Finding Oneself After Divorce. Crossing The River Jordan.
I Am An Independent Woman; I Don’t Need A Man! by Sandra Scott Wright
I Became An Independent Single Woman Free At Last!
The next months and days were quite revealing. I began to turn inwards towards myself. I Who was I? What did I like? What did I want? What were my plans? These were all questions for the first time I found myself being faced with. I began to explore things I’ve always wanted to do, but there was always a reason to not do it…Not enough money, time, etc. This time I was going to do the things I enjoyed. I took up swimming and began to run track. I lost 100lbs in the process. I took myself out to dinner and on Wednesdays, took myself to my favorite place for lunch. Often as I sat alone at such lunches I would think if anyone had told me I would be at such a wonderful place having such a marvelous lunch and doing it all by myself I would have told them they were crazy.
The waitresses soon began to pre-prepare my place and order my lunch whenever I would arrive; I was becoming a regular. I knew what the bill would be $25.00 and I would always leave a nice tip sometime $10.00 just grateful for the personable service and the ability to be able to do it. Oh yes I forgot to mention I was blessed to reinstate my license as a nurse. It was one of the fastest turnaround times according to the nursing board! God was and still is faithful.
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Shame Plunged Me Into the Pit of Hell by Sandra Scott Wright
I began to perform to prove I was worthy. I began to run, swim, dress differently, lose weight, I began to move faster than I ever have as if life was passing me by…I was determined that no man would make me feel I was inadequate. No one would make me feel I was a mistake. I remember my father saying to my brother and I that we were mistakes. He mentioned that our mom poked a whole in the birth control and we were conceived. I set out to prove I was no mistake. Unbeknown to me I set out to prove that I was really ashamed of who I was, and I equated the failure of our marriage as direct link to the failure of me as woman/wife/mother.
I thought my foundation was sure. I had been a Christian some 40 years. I felt myself slipping, sinking into a hole of dryness and emptiness. I had changed everything about myself after the divorce and yet I still felt empty. I quoted the scripture ‘For in him dwelleth all the fullness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power.” Colossians 2:9 …and I still felt empty. I told myself I had angles encamping around me.”… Psalm 34:7 “The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them”… and I still felt lonely. I went to work and had an excellent work record and I still felt useless. I had preached and encouraged women nationally and internationally, when the conferences were ended; I still felt empty…
I cried out ‘Lord where are you! Can’t you feel what I feel? I’m dying on the inside. Please help me! The new designer clothes, the diamonds I had bought for myself, they all were meaningless…I could find myself in nothing, not diamonds, new clothes, career, ministry, new look, nothing…. I was determined if this was the result of a failed marriage I would never marry for love again…
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