Wife? Divorcee? Single Woman? Who Am I Now?

by Sandra Scott Wright

No longer wife, who was I now?  I enjoyed jogging, but was I a jogger? I enjoyed swimming but was I a swimmer?  Who was I? I began to write poetry, I read books still searching for identity.  Deep down inside I believed I didn’t want to get married again …no not ever.  The pain of abandonment was too intense.  Shame, I felt shame to some extent, shame of a failed marriage. Shame that somehow I wasn’t good enough…

My parents had been married some 50+ years and never divorced. I was a  minister encouraging women and married couples everywhere, and now me I was divorced! Shame of somehow I had failed. I wasn’t good enough.  Maybe if I had cooked better, sewed better ( I use to tailor my husband’s suits) was more romantic etc. Maybe if I was a different me.

It dawned on me for the past year I had been secretly trying to prove to myself that I ‘was’ good enough. That was why the jogging, the swimming, the losing weight etc.  Though I enjoyed these things deep down inside I was trying to prove to myself, that I ‘was’ good enough.  It was only towards the end of this journey that I realized I was still empty. It was all disillusionment.  Who was I fooling? Who was I trying to prove things too? I realized there was no one to prove anything too, not even myself. I was not identified as a wife only, or even single woman. I was not just a nurse, or minister who had failed in her marriage…I was a child of God. A daughter of the King of Kings! I was not a woman who had failed in marriage. I was not a barren women childless, I was not a single woman with no one to love her…I was the daughter of the King of Kings. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I was the head and not the tail of anything my Father had created.  I was of royalty not based upon my journey or failures or success but based upon whom I belonged to…I was and is a child of the King.  My daddy is rich in houses and land; he holds the power of the entire world in the palm of his hands.  He told me to…

Ask of me, and I shall give [thee] the heathen [for] thine inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth [for] thy possession.” Psa 2:8

He instructed me to… “Thus saith the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, and his Maker, Ask me of things to come concerning my sons, and concerning the work of my hands command ye me.  “…command ye me concerning the works of my hands.”  Isa 45:11

Yes there was shame until I realized this was not about my failures and me. This was about The God who heals Jehovah Rapha!  From the ashes of divorce and shame I began to rise.  I began to testify in the churches I had traveled together with my ex-husband. I told them how the marriage had failed but I had not failed God. I told them how the failure was to have ones identity in a marriage, or career, or even a ministry and have it fail. I told them their only true identity is in Christ. I am a daughter of the King of King and no circumstance orchestrated by Satan or God could sever me from my birthright as a child of the king. I accepted the new birth, I accepted Christ as my savior. Some looked at me and snared but by now it didn’t matter. I had found out truly found out who I was because of whose I was! I was a child of the king of Kings.  I was not a woman forsaked in her youth…I was a Child of the King!

Isa 54:4-7 “Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

For thy Maker [is] thine husband; the LORD of hosts [is] his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.

For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.

For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.

In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD thy Redeemer.” And so from the ashes of divorce and shame I began to arise…