Wife? Divorcee? Single Woman? Who Am I Now?
by Sandra Scott Wright
No longer wife, who was I now? I enjoyed jogging, but was I a jogger? I enjoyed swimming but was I a swimmer? Who was I? I began to write poetry, I read books still searching for identity. Deep down inside I believed I didn’t want to get married again …no not ever. The pain of abandonment was too intense. Shame, I felt shame to some extent, shame of a failed marriage. Shame that somehow I wasn’t good enough…
My parents had been married some 50+ years and never divorced. I was a minister encouraging women and married couples everywhere, and now me I was divorced! Shame of somehow I had failed. I wasn’t good enough. Maybe if I had cooked better, sewed better ( I use to tailor my husband’s suits) was more romantic etc. Maybe if I was a different me.
It dawned on me for the past year I had been secretly trying to prove to myself that I ‘was’ good enough. That was why the jogging, the swimming, the losing weight etc. Though I enjoyed these things deep down inside I was trying to prove to myself, that I ‘was’ good enough. It was only towards the end of this journey that I realized I was still empty. It was all disillusionment. Who was I fooling? Who was I trying to prove things too? I realized there was no one to prove anything too, not even myself. I was not identified as a wife only, or even single woman. I was not just a nurse, or minister who had failed in her marriage…I was a child of God. A daughter of the King of Kings! I was not a woman who had failed in marriage. I was not a barren women childless, I was not a single woman with no one to love her…I was the daughter of the King of Kings. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I was the head and not the tail of anything my Father had created. I was of royalty not based upon my journey or failures or success but based upon whom I belonged to…I was and is a child of the King. My daddy is rich in houses and land; he holds the power of the entire world in the palm of his hands. He told me to…
